I don’t know what depression feels like, but I imagine it looks something like this. Today should be a good day. There wasn’t anything in particular that happened, but I feel like screaming and punching out the glass of my driver’s side window. Somehow after an uneventful day of work, I find myself sitting in my car in the driveway of the home I’ve shared with my handsome husband Riley for the past 10 years and I can’t stop crying. I also can’t bring myself to get out of the car and walk in the house.
I don’t have anywhere else in the world I’d rather be, but I know right now the only relief I am getting is sitting in the car, in the silence, blubbering like a lunatic.
My crying stops the moment I see the garage door lifting to the open position. Riley is standing in the doorway that leads from the Garage to the house looking my direction. I hope he is far enough away that he can’t tell I’m crying. But I’m nervous and I begin to swim through the barrage of excuses I can use to explain the tears. I hold my finger up, signaling to him that I will be a moment, hoping that will buy me some time. It does. Riley walks back into the house closing the door behind him. Trying to regain my composure I focus my breathing and try desperately to cover my red, tear stained face with my cover girl powder.Determining that I am somewhat presentable, I gather my things and make my way into the house.
Riley is leaning against the kitchen sink with his arms folded across his muscular frame. Riley was my high school sweetheart we were best friends throughout middle school in the first year of high school, but the moment he got his first car he began spending more time with me outside of school, we fell madly in love. I feel like we were always meant to be together because we transitioned from friends to lovers so easily. We broke up a few times, but always remained friends when our love lives with other People left us feeling broken and trampled. We always found our way back to each other. But something looming over us would pull us apart, time and time again. Looking back, it was always stupid reasons that broke us up. But I believe it all boiled down to the simple fact that we were both scared we were settling for something that we would end up regretting. We both wanted to know what sex was like with other people and we didn’t want to go the rest of our lives wondering.
The Monday after I turned 18, we drove to the courthouse and got married. My parents were pissed, his were happy. My thoughts are broken by the sound of Riley’s voice “What is wrong with you?” He sounded frustrated. His green eyes met mine. I answered his question with a question “What do you mean?” Riley moved towards me from leaning at the sink ran his hands through his hair and walked right past me. I was preparing for a hug, but Riley was extremely agitated. I sat my purse down on the dining table and followed him into the guest room. He was sitting on the bed with his elbows propped on his knees, his head in his hands. His shoulders were shaking and I could tell he was silently crying. I moved towards him to sit down when I notice his duffel bag on the floor. “What’s going on?” my voice was shaky and I could feel the tears I had suppressed in the car beginning to break free. Riley didn’t answer, he just sat there, head in hands and shoulders shaking “Riley, please don’t.” tears are streaming down my face as I covered my mouth with my hand trying to suppress any impending wails.
Riley looked up at me and I could see the crocodile tears pooling up in his mesmerizing green eyes. “I don’t want to, but this isn’t working anymore, I have tried to get through to you but we are both not happy.” I was crying and shaking my head no, which I didn’t realize I was doing until Riley grab the bag stood up and in an exasperated tone said “don’t tell me no, you know I’ve been trying, this shit isn’t working anymore and I’m sick of it. You need help, you need to figure out what the hell is wrong with you and what you want. It’s obviously not me and the more you push me away the less I want you.”
He quickly brushed past me and out the door. I stood in the guestroom stunned, until I heard the engine of his truck rev up, peel out and drive away. I stumbled over to the bed and collapsed in the fetal position, crying so hard I felt as though my muscles were seizing up. I was screaming silently-loud in anguish. The only thing keeping me connected to reality in that moment was Riley’s cat. Peering into each other’s eyes I began trying to telepathically explain to the cat that Riley has left his both. We both didn’t understand, we were both at a loss. This is what it feels like to be left by your husband.